LOVE MY CRAB MEAT

I used to hate being a Cancer.

I got started in Astrology in 2003, when a gorgeous and unsurprisingly flirtatious Gemini dropped some esoteric beauty on me. Ever since then I was hooked.

But I couldn't shake the feeling of being this emotional blobmess that I was. I pored over hundreds, possibly even thousands of books on Astrology, where virtually every description of the Crab was something to the effect of--"uh-oh, watch out for the moody Cancer!" That was depressing. Also taking into account that I was quite eccentric (I have rising Aquarius) and wasn't doing too hot in my relationships, I turned those descriptions onto myself--I was going to do everything in my power to NOT be a Cancer.

So I, over the years, muted my emotional self (which wasn't too difficult having a Virgo Moon); I held back my anger and tears. I held my tongue. I kept silent--but little did I know how I was slowly killing myself and my own life force.

It has only been in the past year that I've come to remember the power of my own emotional self. Little by little I peel back the layers of programming and pain. Little by little I remember my spontaneous Cancerian nature.

I used to dance.

I used to work at Wal-Mart over ten years ago. There were times I would be so happy, I would dance through the aisles, up and down the store. It wasn't until I heard rumors that I was homosexual that I stopped. I know there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, but, still, programming (plus I had a really hot girlfriend at the time)!

There were times, many years later, where I would wonder why I couldn't dance like that again.

I tried everything not to be as feminine as I was.

I was a boulder of a man. No more bubbling bliss, no more life giving juices, no more a supreme cauldron of galaxies I was. I was an anxious enslaved slab of a being with the deadest genitals ever (I mean, they still worked great, I'm just being poetic, flow with me!).

There came a point I used to despise my emotions. They always seemed to cause so much pain to the people I loved! So I shut them all down. No more pain. No more lashing out. There.

But from that point on, then I didn't know what I felt. I couldn't be vulnerable. I couldn't trust anyone; so much pain buried.

However, one day--after the Universe hemmed me in to make a decision for my life, as she usually does--I decided to step out on myself, I decided to take a stand for my own life. I didn't know how much doing the one thing I was afraid to do for years would bring me the joy I was seeking. I began to see how amazing my emotions were. How fresh it felt to feel them! To cry, to be angry, to be joyful, to DANCE again! To be a CRAB!!!

I also completely accepted my 'moody' nature. I observed that my 'mood' shifted several times a day, yet I wasn't out of control; I knew how to observe and not just react to everything. Upon further investigation, I began to realize that all these moods weren't always mine! (We Cancers are psychic, remember)

I accepted that this ability to feel and sense multiple energies a day is a gift, but I couldn't do it alone. I had to develop a relationship with God. When anything gets overwhelming, I just give it all to him.

(BTW, don't get hung up on the genders I'm giving to non gender beings, okay?)

I started Loving everything about me, and knowing that I'm the only person who can Love me the way I do, became an empowering thing...the nurturing side of me began to emerge, the side of me that sees the whole world as its children, and its breasts are full of Love and milk for them. Yes, even though I am a man, I sometimes see myself as a mother (Cancer rules motherly nature).

But I am more than a mother--I am the child, both sensitive and playful, both alone and loved, the one who feels 13 different feelings at once, doesn't need anyone to understand, and takes it in stride. It helps if someone does understand though.

NOW, I LOVE BEING A CANCER! I LOVES ME MY CRABMEAT!

G.A.B.E. aka

Excelsior Joymagic

P.S. I understand that the qualities that are assigned to Cancer don't only manifest in this sign. I'm merely documenting my experience. If you're a Sagittarius and you feel me, hey, it's cool (but you probably have moon or rising Cancer or something *hee hee*)

Peace!