Late-blooming and Self-Knowledge

A late bloomer, that's what I am. Everytime I think I have this world figured out, it comes along and shows me how much of a thirteen-year old I am. I'm actually closer to 30, but due to a sheltered existence, being a big-ass nerd, and having a slight disdain and apathy for modern cultural ways, I haven't really had the chance to fully participate in this world. Shoo, I didn't even know who I was until I was about 27. Growing up is about taking responsibility for your life, making 'big-boy' choices. I've done my share of that, however, taking responsibility also has a lot to do with knowing who you are and what you want. I didn't know any of that growing up. As a matter of fact, by the time I was eighteen, I felt like a numb robot, with no real clue of what I was doing. I knew I didn't want to go to college because I didn't want the debt, but what other options did I have? I didn't know, so I just went to college. This world leaves you with very few clues as to what to do to know yourself. After a certain point, I unconsciously made knowing myself became my only real goal. The world will tell you 'get a job' or 'go to school' but I knew in my heart I didn't really need to do either one. Deep down in my being burned a dream to start my own Entertainment Label, Goldiamond Awareness. It's been my dream for over ten years. I never seriously pursued it because I didn't have the confidence to. Still I held onto that dream, again unconsciously. Sometimes you bury your dreams even from yourself in order to protect them. Even with all that said in the last paragraph, I'm still glad I came to school out here in the midwest. This was the first time in my life I felt I could really focus on exploring myself, instead of constantly being pressured to achieve achieve achieve, get a job get a job get a job, be a man be a man be a man. I learned that I have to set those terms for myself. I'm not happy following someone else's (unless it helps me to realize my own terms), so I seem stubborn to people. But my life is mine, and even though life may reveal that I'm only 13 when it comes to certain things, a 13 year old still has to grow up. My priority is to grow up, but not the way others tell me. I grow up in the way I see is best for me. The tools you need to build a space shuttle are different than the tools you need to build a car. They may have some fundamental similarities, but if you try to use car tools to build a space shuttle, you're going to be totally overwhelmed. That's what my life has been like. The people in my life, they love me--God bless them--but they keep giving me car tools instead of the space shuttle tools I really need. So I go out and search for those particular tools. People think that I'm stubborn because I think I know everything, but the truth is, I know I'm different. I always tell them "I'm stubborn because I have to figure out how to apply the knowledge you taught me for myself." I'm not a fan of blindly following advice just because it's what everybody else does, it needs to be relevant to the way I'm built. So that's why I'm a late bloomer. This world will chew you up and spit you out if you don't know who you are, and while I don't plan to spend my entire life in meditation shut away from the world, I consider that time to be necessary, because the truth is, when heaven and earth pass away, all that's left is you. Better to know who that is. Excelsior, G.A.B.E.